I lay in bed not wanting to face the world. The thought of seeing people or worse still, talking to people held no interest. There are times everyone wants to be alone but when it goes on for weeks, there is a problem. Human interaction (on the most part) is beneficial for the mind but it was something I was rejecting. The chemical imbalance in my brain had shut me down physically and emotionally. The saddest thing for me looking back, was that I would rather sleep than live. Not from a perspective of not wanting to be alive but just life avoidance. I had done with adulting as they say.
This episode was happening in 2010. A lot had gone at the back end of 2009 with the death of my beautiful niece Lois, a house move, a baby and the potential chance of redundancy. I thought I was just getting on with life as normal like always. I was just muddling on, ignoring or just not aware of my dwindling mental health. I should’ve been enjoying my time being a dad and husband but slowly I was just sinking. It was almost like I had post natal depression. Meanwhile Anne-Marie was literally left holding the baby – and a toddler too.
Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.William C. Hannan
I’m trying to pinpoint the start of my problems – it’s difficult sometimes to remember. I’m just grateful I can deal with things a lot better now compared to then. I’d say 2010 was the time I eventually noticed more but I just couldn’t process it. I wasn’t in the right place to help myself or even admit there was anything wrong. I had little knowledge of the world of depression and was not equipped with the tools to fight it. Instead, it was an all consuming cloud that slowly took away my energy, my spark and any enjoyment of living. Yes I could put a mask on to the outside world as though everything was ok. Yes I could laugh and joke with people like nothing was wrong. But this was just like me peeking from behind the clouds. As soon as I was lost in thought again, the clouds would fully reform.
So this was my life and it wouldn’t change for a good few years. Instead of seeking help, I let my thoughts rule me. I let my emotions control how I reacted to situations and how I lived my life. If things were going well, I was happy. If the slightest thing went wrong, I’d more often than not spiral downwards again. Until, I learned to accept my issues and seek help, then they were to continue. There is only so many times you can paper over the cracks. Now, I can look back to learn from the past and not try to analyse it to death. I can see how far I have progressed but it stemmed from wanting to do something about it. Only then can change happen and only you will know when that time comes. As a good friend once said to me, you can’t stop the clouds appearing but you can learn how to deal with them when they do show up.